Today I cleaned out the tote bag I brought to every chemo. It felt good to know I wouldn't need it anymore. At the same time, in doing so, I feel like I have no idea what I'm supposed to do next. I've spent five months working at home one week, in the office another; half-expecting an allergic reaction with every infusion; not eating ice cream every other week to avoid the cold sensitivity frog in my throat; not planning on being able to do much of anything from late on day two through day four; enjoying the week "off" as much as I could until the anxiety of the next infusion set in. It wasn't anything I wanted to do but at least it was some kind of schedule; a known, relatively predictable structure I adapted to and could navigate.
Now it's just unknown. I've heard lots of stories from nurses, doctors, and friends about what I can expect from radiation. I'm expecting it will be physically easier and logistically horrible. I wish I could just schedule all the appointments - the known scheduling unknown really eats at me. I'm nothing if not efficient. Not scratching that itch is making me anxious.
I won't have another scan until after radiation. For all intents and purposes I have been cancer-free since the second surgery. Of course there is no way to know if this cancer will ever come back, but somehow, the idea of not fighting it anymore once radiation is over also makes me anxious. I guess the answer to that is to keep fighting somehow - eat right, exercise, love my family, do my best at everything, and appreciate each day I wake up. Live in the moment. There are no guarantees.
No comments:
Post a Comment